1) Make sure he’s socially impaired from an early age. He should not play with neighbors, be challenged by pairs in any way that upsets him or participate in team sports of any kind. The less he interacts with children and other people in general, the better.
2) Try spending as little time as possible with your son. You already did what is socially expected from you by having a kid, no sense in wasting any more of your spare time. After all, you work hard and deserve to relax and have a good time. You’re not supposed to have a life, have some fun? And lets be honest here, we all know you cant do that with a kid around.
3) If you must stay at home along with your son for more than 5 minutes, TV, internet and video games are the best way to keep him off your back. Get him Black Ops Two, he’ll spend entire days killing terrorists and other nation enemies. Better yet, buy him his own TV and let him play in his room. Sign him up for World of Worldcraft or some other virtual alternative life. His real life sucks anyway, a virtual one where he rules a kingdom of elves and slays anyone that opposes him might be good for him. That way you’ll never be bothered by him and you can watch Oprah on the living room undisturbed. Next week she’s presenting a book on parenting. You definitely want to watch that one!
4) You don’t want your son to grow up being a religious weirdo or pedophile so the best you can do is bring him up in a home with no crazy religious stuff. Catholic churches are the worst since they are all child molesters, and you certainly don’t want you son receiving orders from the Pope through text messages (it does happen, all the time!). Christianity in general is a bad idea. Not killing, lying or stealing and loving one another? Not on your watch! A good atheist that doesn’t believe in a higher power and consequences for his actions on an after-life is much better.
5) As your son grows older he might start avoiding sunlight, dressing in all black clothes and hanging posters of androgenous vampire rock stars who’s music sucks. Don’t worry. This is all very normal. You may be tempted to remove all that crap from your home, throw your kid in your truck and take him camping in the middle of winter so he both freezes his butt and mans up a little while spending some quality time with his old man. Restrain yourself from doing so.
6) You might want to seek help at this point even though this is all very normal for a teenager. You weren’t that way, neither was I, but its still normal, nothing wrong with your bundle of joy. Your bundle of joy might be better served by a cocktail of Prozac and Ritalin. This will keep him happy (being happy is the most important thing in life after all) and will help him focus in school. Watching less TV and playing less WOW along with spending more time outdoors with other humans, even playing sports might help too, but popping pills is more practical and lets face it, its so much quieter in the house when he’s locked in his room instead.
7) By now kids may be giving your son a hard time in school. This is of course other people’s fault as it always will be, so make sure you go to school and complain as much as you can. That’s what responsible and caring parents do after all, blame others for how poorly they are educating their kids. Remember to threaten to sue while you’re at it. Your son has every right to be the weirdest creep the world has ever seen. His classmates shouldn’t exclude him just because he doesn’t talk to anyone, wears more makeup than Lady Gaga and drinks chicken blood during lunch.
8) At this point, try anything you can do to detach your son from the real world even further. He has no friends, hardly speaks to anyone including teachers and spends hours every day in a virtual alternate reality killing people. By now you’re either divorced or pretty close to it and hardly talk with any of your family members at all. No aunts, uncles, grandparents, nothing, your son has no family support. Thankfully he doesn’t believe in some silly God that cares about him either, how crazy would that be? Lets see, what else can we do to mess up this kid even more. How about spending some quality time discussing doom and gloom end of the world issues? You want to be prepared after all, and TV shows tell you that’s what real survivalists do, prepare for far-fetched, unrealistic scenarios that never happened before but look cool on TV. Hey, your son might dig that, he’s already detached from reality anyways.
9) At this point you can teach your son how to shoot and leave several firearms lying around your medicated an mentally disturbed offspring. But don’t worry, if you don’t buy them and leave them unlocked for him to pick he can just go out there and just buy them illegally or steal them.
10) By the time you get the call about your son committing a heinous crime your work as a parent is done. Who would have thought that such a caring, loving person could do such a thing? But don’t worry, you have guns, videogames, survivalists and TV in general to blame. That’s clearly the reason why your son turned out that way.