Thursday, March 25, 2010

Gun Ownership and Wives

Dear Mr. Aguirre,

Hello and thank you for your blog and book. I read both regularly, and I have come to understand that firearm ownership is essential for my family's protection. However, I am having a great deal of difficulty convincing my wife that a gun is a good idea, as she feels it poses a greater danger to people living in the house than any would-be intruder. If you could give me any ideas and/or persuasive techniques that could help me resolve this disagreement, I'd be eternally grateful. I could easily go out and get a gun myself, but ideally, out of respect for my spouse and matrimonial harmony, I'd like to convince her of a firearm's safety and necessity. I hope you can post my email so I may garner useful advice from your numerous knowledgeable readers. Thanks again for all you do, and I look forward to the day you can come to the U.S. permanently.


Drew F.
Hi Drew,
Good question and I’m sure a lot of readers are going through the same.
Let me ask you guys a question: Do you guys drive?
Car accidents kill way more people than gun accidents do but no one is questioning the wisdom of driving to work instead of using public transportation which may in fact be cheaper and less stressful for you.

Statistically, a gun in someone’s house is 40 times more likely to hurt a family member than a bad guys.
Statistically, you should never marry, because statistically speaking you’ll end up divorced anyway.
Statistically speaking, people are so stupid that they shouldn't own guns, drive cars or even use matches.
The question is, are you part of that dumb, almost brain dead mass?
Let me answer that for you: No, you are not.
I’m better than the average person, and so are you just because you read my blog, because you show interest in these subjects, care enough and clearly pretend to rise above this average mass.

We are better than the average person that would willingly resing his/her freedom only so as to not be held responsible for their own well being.
If for some reason, gentle reader, you’re still not sure about this, then make it an undeniable fact: Practice shooting at least once a month, take defensive shooting lessons and train them dry firing every week. Take defensive shooting classes every 6 months, no less than once a year. Finally, make a decision and take responsibility for it.
Do that and you wont be part of the average mass. You’ll be part of the elite that takes for themselves the responsibility of their well being in a serious manner.

My wife didn’t like guns, but it wasn’t something that was up for discussion either. I didn’t ask “look dear, maybe we should probably buy a gun just in case…” wrong approach.
I had a gun with me ever since I assume the responsibility of protecting my family because it’s the tool I need for such a task if something bad ever happens. Its not a matter of “maybes” or “probably”. It’s simply the way it is and if she doesn’t see that then maybe she married the wrong guy. More than enough metrosexual, psychologically castrated excuses of men out there to pick from if that’s what she fancies.

Worried about accidents? That’s what gun safes are for along with training. I can’t emphasize professional defensive shooting training enough. You may think that dad or grandpa taught you all you need to know, but you’re wrong. Do take classes and take your wife with you. Even better have her go separately, so that there’s no pressure or distraction.

Women LOVE shooting, its just that so many never even tried it or are afraid of guns. They like shooting simply because they are better at it than men. Women don’t feel the need to prove how macho they are or how fast they can shoot, they just listen and follow instructions and that’s what shooting is all about.
In spite of not liking guns, my wife listened when I told her how to use the gun we had when we got married. One day when I got back home I found my Glock on the living room table. Someone had rattled the front gate’s door, either trying to break in or see if it was unlocked. She was very scared but remembered what I had told her.

As things slowly get worse in terms of crime the probability of having to use your firearm and defensive knowledge increases. As of today, the probability of such things happing in your lifetime is greater than what most people think.
And its not about actually shooting someone either. The most likely scenario is you pulling the gun and the bad guy leaving like anyone that wishes to live a bit longer would. But you need a) to have a gun to draw in the first place b) To have the training so as to not shoot someone that doesn’t require it c) To use lethal force if the situation calls for it.

Have a good conversation with your wife. Explain to her what's on your mind. Maybe you’ll even have to explain that you now see things differently than you once did and she’ll have to accept this, and that you’d appreciate her support instead of being an obstacle. Would you have an ear removed if your wife asks you to? No, right? Its one of those things that simply aren't up for discussion. Same thing here. You can talk and explain all you want but its one of the things you'll do anyway. You'll explain to her WHY you are buying a gun, not IF.

You have a house, a family you’re responsible for, correct? You need a gun and the skill to use it, just like you need to provide for your family in ever other way. It is after all, your responsibility, one you assumed before God when you married. Don’t take it lightly.

Last year there was this incident, a guy forced two women inside their apartment, the boyfriend of one of them was inside. The attacker wasn’t even armed but the boyfriend, scared, laid on the floor as he was told to do while the guy raped both women, ate food from the fridge, then raped them again. The guy stayed on the floor all the time.
Do you want to be that guy?
I’d rather be dead than live with that in my conscience.
But here’s people that will gladly accept that they would have done the same thing. That they are unable to fight, or hurt another person let alone kill someone else in self defense.

You have to make up your mind as of right now, the kind of things you’ll put up with and the ones you wont. Where will you draw the line and what are you capable of doing.
As I usually say during these type of conversations; is there something in your life that you’d kill or die to protect? Then you need a gun and ammo. If the answer is no you need a gun too but just one round is enough.



aka said...

I had that problem years ago,,got gonads,dumped her and married a better choice of 30 years and now 3 grown children raised in the 'gun culture ..After 30 years the marriage seems to be still working,and BTW I never looked back.
good luck..
ps I always took a person's outlook on the gun issue as a good indication
of their whole outlook on life...

Patrick said...

"resing" = "resign"

I only mention this because of the context, you can delete this comment after correcting it if you please, I mean this well.

The Urban Survivalist said...

My wife swore that there would "never be a gun in her house" when we bought our house. A week later I brought a .22 home. A week after that it was a shotgun. 5 years later I have my only little arsenal. I didn't have to do much to convince her. I just did it and she didn't care as much as she tried to convince me that she did.

Bill Browne said...


Well said.


Fortunately, I'm married to a woman who was gun neutral at the start because she never shot one. Now she loves them and sleeps well because I'm prepared to protect her at all times and at all costs.

But the bigger issue here is the type of atmosphere you are allowing in your house.

I'm not saying be an oppressive master or anything like that. But there's a time and a place to step into your alpha role. Now is that time.

You are a man. You are the provider and protector--your responsibility. As Ferfal said, a firearm is a tool to help you do your job to the best of your ability.

Plan A is to lay out the emotional, persuasive case. Logic doesn't sell. Emotion does.

If that doesn't work, your only choice is Plan B--put your foot down and let her know how it's going to be. If she loves you, she'll live with it and eventually be grateful for your willingness to protect her.

Anonymous said...

Thanks Ferfal and aka for your thoughts.

I would like to know how you guys store your gun safely, while still allowing for somewhat rapid access when needed.

With these details & specifics at the ready, I'm sure I can easily bolster my position. Then, with any luck, I can get my dream Glock and start taking the appropriate classes ASAP.

Fortunately, I have made some progress vis-a-vis home defense. When my Cold Steel combat knife arrived, she initially said I was paranoid. With a little convincing, she now believes we need one for each car!

One other note... Both she and I were raised by baby-boomers in San Fran-psycho, with all the peace- and-love crap that comes along with it. While we have finally come a long way toward deprogramming ourselves from our liberal roots, (we haven't voted for a democrat in over 12 years) some aspects remain and surface on occasion, such as the aforementioned anti-firearm bias. With your guys' help, I hope to be able to purge my household of such foolhard thinking.

Thanks again everyone...

Drew F.

B said...

One suggestion:

Get her to take a womans handgun course. DO NOT GO WITH HER. Let her take the course along with other women.

Most women are afraid of guns in general until they get to fire one under controlled conditions. Then they generally are not afraid, and some actually enjoy shooting.

Maldek said...

"But the bigger issue here is the type of atmosphere you are allowing in your house."

Indeed. Democracy in a marriage is a mistake. If *YOU* have studied the case, you are free to ask your wife and the children what they think. Sometimes they can contribute (esp. the children) very good aspects. However. When all is said it should be YOU to decide the course of action. That's your god damn job!

"I would like to know how you guys store your gun safely, while still allowing for somewhat rapid access when needed. "

I do keep a pistol in my office, loaded but no bullet chambered. Getting a 9mm ready to shoot under stress requires training. Practise, practise, practise.

For you as first-time-gun-handler perhaps a 38 S&W (revolver) would be the better choice. Easier to handle and easier to fire under stress. (short barrel!)

The gun itself is stored in a lockbox. In addition I keep a pumpgun with 2 boxes of amnno in the bedroom.

If you only can have one gun and you do not intend to carry your weapon outside the house perhaps a shotgun will be a wise choice.

Pitt said...

I agree with what aka said. Every woman I've ever dated started seeing me with the clear understanding that I am a knife sharpening, gun slinging, pitbull owning and somewhat arrogant SOB!

I wasn't rude or harsh with my girlfriends, but my gun is like my kid and my dogs, it's part of the total package.

I consider all of these items to be non-negotiable. If a woman told me she loves me, but that she didn't want my son around, I would immediately kick her a$$ out the door.

Aka said, a person's outlook on guns is a pretty good indicator of whether their head is on straight or not.

I totally agree with that!

Anonymous said...

By the way - that statistic that you quote about a gun in the home being 40 times more likely to hurt family... is bogus - but I can't remember where I read that it had been debunked.

I hate to be a nit-picker, but if we don't keep each other informed about the lies from the anti-gunners, we wind up passing their propaganda along by mistake.

I have heard many different numbers, all stated as fact but without proof. It turns out that they are including as "family" every justifiable shooting by a battered woman who defended herself from an abusing lover, and every crack whore who shot her pimp, and so forth and so on, plus a good amount of numbers inflation by other means.

The real number is overwhelmingly in favor of armed self defense. I just wish I could remember what it is, or where I read it.

K said...

Hi, Drew F.

As an intermediate step to getting a gun, get a crossbow and a couple dozen bolts today. Don't even discuss it, just do it. Then may be some day later take her to a range and shoot it in turns.

That is what I would do in your shoes.

Anonymous said...

I keep my handgun in a safe by the bed. This safe makes for quick and easy access when you need it, yet keeps your pistol away from children etc. It should give your wife an added sense of security when keeping a weapon on hand. See the following link:


Anonymous said...

Although I agree with Ferfal wholehreatedly. If she is more stubborn than you are, what she doesn't know won't hurt her.

You can always carry a pocket pistol like a kel tec PF9 for example. And creatively hiding a couple of guns in the house shouldn't be too difficult. What she gonna do?

Also getting combat knives, swords, bows, crossbows and other such weapons may soften her up to getting a gun, you can even start your sport of 'hunting' and argue you need a gun to practice it ecetera.

Bob S. said...


You might want to check on your statistic about "a gun in someone’s house is 40 times more likely to hurt a family member than a bad guys."

That information was based on Kellermann's seriously flawed study.

A study that discounted any use of a firearm that did not result in a death.

His original study (where the 43 times more likely comes from ) was so bad that he had to revise it.

The revised study shows 2.7 times more likely -- but still has many of the same issues.

Here is a fair critique of his work

Dan said...

If she's onboard with the CS knife, I'd just tell her "what if the bad guy has a bigger knife or a gun, or if he's 6'4" 280 lbs? We need a gun to be able to defend ourselves"

That, with the other advice here about "needing a gun to fulfll your role as protector" and it sounds like you're good to go.

I use a quick acess handgun safe located near the bed, but most of the time, the gun is on my person.

falcon_01 said...

I strongly urge everyone from novice to expert to read Armed Response by David Kenik. It talks about the very issue of why you need a gun, then discusses some basics, and some other more advanced techniques.

The following argument works well: Police can't be everywhere at once, and they don't materialize out of thin air when there's an emergency. They more often investigate the scene AFTER the crime has taken place.

dc.sunsets said...

I totally agree with Anon about the "gunvault." They work, they're great, just make sure to cable it to a steel bedframe or something like that.

As your wife if she thinks you should take the spare tire and jack out of the car trunk? Why? Because in the U.S., if you have a flat you'll just call AAA, right?


Conditions might require you to deal with the flat yourself. If you have the jack you have the choice. If you lack the tools, you have NO CHOICE. You're completely dependent upon OTHERS to deliver help on demand. What if they're busy?

This applies to guns. With a gun you have a choice. Without a gun you're fully dependent, like a child, on a tax-paid donut-muncher who might be unhappy with his latest union contract with the local government. IF your wife still doesn't get it, read aloud, TOGETHER, this essay, the best one ever penned about personal gun ownership:

Anonymous said...

If she's onboard with the CS knife, I'd just tell her "what if the bad guy has a bigger knife or a gun, or if he's 6'4" 280 lbs? We need a gun to be able to defend ourselves"

Or, what if there are two or more of those 280lb'ers?

Or, ask her if she'd rather you tried the polar bear technique, the one where you don't have to outrun the polar bear (criminal) you just have to out run the wife. Geeze, and that's what the anti-gunners want? I don't understand how it is they have wives? Or is that the 50% who get divorced?

Great thread Ferfal and everyone.

Anonymous said...

Every police officer I personally know or have met make sure that their wives or girlfriends get a gun and carry concealed in Miami, Florida.

Anonymous said...


That's "Raging Against Self Defense" website where a psychologist discusses things like projecting fears onto you.

Things like that. Gives you ALL the ammo you need to fight any anti-gunner. Given it's your wife, tread softly.

But carry a firearm. It's YOUR DUTY TO PROTECT YOUR FAMILY.

Anonymous said...

Respectfully, the stats that stated a gun in the house is X amount more dangerous for "family" members are complete and utter bullshit.

This "statistic" was invented by anti-gunners to try and sway folks from buying guns, and is a complete fabrication. It was taken from information that most folks criminally shot with guns knew their attacker, which makes sense when we think about how many gang members and drug dealers knew the guy that ends up shooting them.

Just a little reality check from a simple street cop.

FWIW, my wife started out VERY anti handgun (shotguns and rifles were OK for hunting, but handguns were just for killing people, you know?) and was upset that I carried daily while off-duty.
After some instruction and experience she has gone from anti-handgun to having her own pistols and a CCW permit.

It can be done, but it takes time and patience.



Anonymous said...

Building on David's comments I might argue that would it not be prudent to have a fire extinguisher on hand as well as the ability to call the fire department?
Would it not be prudent to have a first aid kit on hand and the ability to call an ambulance? Then why not have a gun for personal protection, as well as the ability to call the police?
Recently in Vancouver a 79 year old woman experienced a home invasion, and was able press her panic button to summon help. It arrived 4 hours later...
On that note having a child around the house has mine on an empty chamber and 100% out of reach. And although it is not in the bedroom, the door only has to hold for 10 seconds....

Anonymous said...

Start off with a 22 rilfe (bolt acton) for "target practice". After while, take her with you.
Then move up to a 22 magnum, rifle, levergun if you can get one.

After that, move into something bigger and better.

Good luck.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for all your insights. Any more tips/advice as far as a good starter gun and safe would be greatly appreciated.

Drew F.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous @10:49PM is correct: that statistic is not sound.

This conclusion stemmed from a 1986 article that Arthur Kellerman got published in the NE Journal of Medicine.

I am a research psychologist, but I do the bulk of my work running statistical models. The Kellerman article was a shoddy piece of work: poor sampling methodology, failure to adequately control for plausible co-variates, simplistic analytic methods, compromised generalizability. Kellerman published additional studies in the '90s, and they were just as shoddy.

I review scientific articles for several journals and I have rejected better studies than what Kellerman has put out.